The School For Scandal
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The School For Scandal
by Richard
Brinsley Sheridan
ACT I
SCENE I.
--LADY SNEERWELL'S House
LADY
SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET;
MISS VERJUICE drinking chocolate
LADY
SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all
inserted:
VERJUICE. They were Madam--and
as I copied them myself in a feigned
Hand
there can be no suspicion whence they came.
LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report
of Lady Brittle's
Intrigue with Captain
Boastall?
VERJUICE. Madam by this Time
Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the
Town--and
I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a
Demirep.
LADY SNEERWELL. What have you
done as to the insinuation as to
a certain
Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook.
VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your
Ladyship could wish.
I told the story
yesterday to my own maid with directions to
communicate it directly to my Hairdresser. He
I am informed
has a Brother who courts a
Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall
whose mistress
has a first cousin whose sister is Feme [Femme]
de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit--so that in the
common course of Things
it must reach Mrs.
Clackit's Ears within four-and-twenty hours
and then you know the Business is as good as
done.
LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs.
Clackit has a very pretty Talent--
a great
deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably
successful
in her way--To my knowledge she has
been the cause of breaking off
six matches[,]
of three sons being disinherited and four
Daughters
being turned out of Doors. Of three
several Elopements, as many
close confinements
--nine separate maintenances and two Divorces.--
nay I have more than once traced her causing a
Tete-a-Tete in the
Town and Country Magazine--
when the Parties perhaps had never seen
each
other's Faces before in the course of their Lives.
VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.
LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is
gross.
VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She
generally designs well[,] has
a free tongue
and a bold invention--but her colouring is too
dark
and her outline often extravagant--She
wants that delicacy of
Tint--and mellowness of
sneer--which distinguish your Ladyship's
Scandal.
LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are
Partial Verjuice.
VERJUICE. Not in the
least--everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell
can do more with a word or a Look than many
can with the most
laboured Detail even when
they happen to have a little truth
on their
side to support it.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes
my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny
the satisfaction I reap from the Success of my
Efforts. Wounded
myself, in the early part of
my Life by the envenomed Tongue of
Slander I
confess I have since known no Pleasure equal to
the
reducing others to the Level of my own
injured Reputation.
VERJUICE. Nothing
can be more natural--But my dear Lady Sneerwell
There is one affair in which you have lately
employed me, wherein,
I confess I am at a Loss
to guess your motives.
LADY SNEERWELL. I
conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour,
Sir Peter Teazle, and his Family--Lappet.--And
has my conduct
in this matter really appeared
to you so mysterious?
[Exit MAID.]
VERJUICE. Entirely so.
LADY
SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE.?] An old Batchelor as Sir
Peter was[,]
having taken a young wife from
out of the Country--as Lady Teazle
is--are
certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous
raillery--
but here are two young men--to whom
Sir Peter has acted as a kind
of Guardian
since their Father's death, the eldest possessing
the most amiable Character and universally
well spoken of[,]
the youngest the most
dissipated and extravagant young Fellow
in the
Kingdom, without Friends or caracter--the former
one
an avowed admirer of yours and apparently
your Favourite[,]
the latter attached to Maria
Sir Peter's ward--and confessedly
beloved by
her. Now on the face of these circumstances it is
utterly unaccountable to me why you a
young Widow with no great
jointure--should not
close with the passion of a man of such
character and expectations as Mr. Surface--and
more so why you
should be so uncommonly
earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment
subsisting between his Brother Charles and
Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to
unravel this mistery--I must
inform you that
Love has no share whatever in the intercourse
between Mr. Surface and me.
VERJUICE.
No!
LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment
is to Maria or her Fortune--
but finding in
his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged
to mask his Pretensions--and profit by my
Assistance.
VERJUICE. Yet still I am
more puzzled why you should interest
yourself
in his success.
LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens!
how dull you are! cannot you surmise
the
weakness which I hitherto, thro' shame have
concealed even
from you--must I confess that
Charles--that Libertine, that
extravagant,
that Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation--that He
it is for whom I am thus anxious and malicious
and to gain whom
I would sacrifice--
everything----
VERJUICE. Now indeed--
your conduct appears consistent and I
no
longer wonder at your enmity to Maria, but how
came you and
Surface so confidential?
LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interest--but
I have found out
him a long time since[,]
altho' He has contrived to deceive
everybody
beside--I know him to be artful selfish and
malicious--
while with Sir Peter, and indeed
with all his acquaintance,
He passes for a
youthful Miracle of Prudence--good sense
and
Benevolence.
VERJUICE. Yes yes--I know
Sir Peter vows He has not his equal
in
England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN
OF SENTIMENT.
LADY SNEERWELL. True and
with the assistance of his sentiments
and
hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his
interests
with respect to Maria and is now I
believe attempting to flatter
Lady Teazle into
the same good opinion towards him--while poor
Charles has no Friend in the House--
though I fear he has a powerful
one in Maria's
Heart, against whom we must direct our schemes.
SERVANT. Mr. Surface.
LADY
SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about
this Time.
I don't wonder at People's giving
him to me for a Lover.
Enter SURFACE
SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do
you do to-day--your most
obedient.
LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been
arraigning me on our
mutual attachment now;
but I have informed her of our real views
and
the Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-
operate.
You know how useful she has been to
us--and believe me the confidence
is not ill-
placed.
SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible
for me to suspect that a Lady of
Miss
Verjuice's sensibility and discernment----
LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--no compliments
now--but tell me when
you saw your mistress or
what is more material to me your Brother.
SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw
you--but I can inform
you that they are at
present at Variance--some of your stories have
taken good effect on Maria.
LADY
SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this
belongs
to you. But do your Brother's
Distresses encrease?
SURFACE. Every
hour. I am told He had another execution in his
house yesterday--in short his Dissipation and
extravagance exceed
anything I have ever heard
of.
LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles!
SURFACE. True Madam--notwithstanding his
Vices one can't help
feeling for him--ah poor
Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in
my Power
to be of any essential Service to him--for the man
who does not share in the Distresses of a
Brother--even though
merited by his own
misconduct--deserves----
LADY
SNEERWELL. O Lud you are going to be moral, and
forget
that you are among Friends.
SURFACE. Egad, that's true--I'll keep that
sentiment till I see
Sir Peter. However it is
certainly a charity to rescue Maria from
such
a Libertine who--if He is to be reclaim'd, can be
so only by a
Person of your Ladyship's
superior accomplishments and understanding.
VERJUICE. 'Twould be a Hazardous experiment.
SURFACE. But--Madam--let me caution you
to place no more confidence
in our Friend
Snake the Libeller--I have lately detected him
in frequent conference with old Rowland
[Rowley] who was formerly
my Father's Steward
and has never been a friend of mine.
LADY
SNEERWELL. I'm not disappointed in Snake, I never
suspected
the fellow to have virtue enough to
be faithful even to his own
Villany.
Enter MARIA
Maria my dear--how do you do
--what's the matter?
MARIA. O here is
that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin
Backbite, has just call'd at my guardian's
with his odious
Uncle Crabtree--so I slipt out
and ran hither to avoid them.
LADY
SNEERWELL. Is that all?
VERJUICE. Lady
Sneerwell--I'll go and write the Letter I
mention'd
to you.
SURFACE. If my
Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam,
perhaps you would not have been so much
alarmed.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay now--you
are severe for I dare swear the Truth
of the
matter is Maria heard YOU were here--but my dear--
what has
Sir Benjamin done that you should
avoid him so----
MARIA. Oh He has done
nothing--but his conversation is a perpetual
Libel on all his Acquaintance.
SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is
no advantage in not
knowing Them, for He'll
abuse a stranger just as soon as his best
Friend--and Crabtree is as bad.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay but we should make
allowance[--]Sir Benjamin
is a wit and a poet.
MARIA. For my Part--I own madam--wit
loses its respect with me,
when I see it in
company with malice.--What do you think,
Mr.
Surface?
SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to
smile at the jest which plants
a Thorn on
another's Breast is to become a principal in the
mischief.
LADY SNEERWELL. Pshaw--there's
no possibility of being witty
without a little
[ill] nature--the malice of a good thing
is
the Barb that makes it stick.--What's your
opinion, Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. Certainly
madam--that conversation where the Spirit of
Raillery is suppressed will ever appear
tedious and insipid--
MARIA. Well I'll
not debate how far Scandal may be allowable--
but in a man I am sure it is always
contemtable.--We have Pride,
envy, Rivalship,
and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other--
but the male-slanderer must have the cowardice
of a woman before
He can traduce one.
LADY SNEERWELL. I wish my Cousin Verjuice
hadn't left us--she
should embrace you.
SURFACE. Ah! she's an old maid and is
privileged of course.
Enter SERVANT
Madam Mrs. Candour is below and if your
Ladyship's at leisure will
leave her carriage.
LADY SNEERWELL. Beg her to walk in.
Now, Maria[,] however here is
a Character to
your Taste, for tho' Mrs. Candour is a little
talkative everybody allows her to be the best-
natured and best sort
of woman.
MARIA. Yes with a very gross affectation of
good Nature and
Benevolence--she does more
mischief than the Direct malice of
old
Crabtree.
SURFACE. Efaith 'tis
very true Lady Sneerwell--Whenever I hear
the
current running again the characters of my
Friends, I never
think them in such Danger as
when Candour undertakes their Defence.
LADY SNEERWELL. Hush here she is----
Enter MRS. CANDOUR
MRS. CANDOUR.
My dear Lady Sneerwell how have you been this
Century.
I have never seen you tho' I have
heard of you very often.--
Mr. Surface--the
World says scandalous things of you--but indeed
it is no matter what the world says, for I
think one hears nothing
else but scandal.
SURFACE. Just so, indeed, Ma'am.
MRS. CANDOUR. Ah Maria Child--what[!] is the
whole affair off
between you and Charles? His
extravagance; I presume--The Town
talks of
nothing else----
MARIA. I am very sorry,
Ma'am, the Town has so little to do.
MRS.
CANDOUR. True, true, Child; but there's no
stopping people's
Tongues. I own I was hurt
to hear it--as I indeed was to learn
from the
same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter[,] and
Lady
Teazle have not agreed lately so well as
could be wish'd.
MARIA. 'Tis strangely
impertinent for people to busy themselves so.
MRS. CANDOUR. Very true, Child; but what's to
be done? People will
talk--there's no
preventing it.--why it was but yesterday I was
told
that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir
Filagree Flirt. But, Lord!
there is no
minding what one hears; tho' to be sure I had this
from
very good authority.
MARIA.
Such reports are highly scandalous.
MRS.
CANDOUR. So they are Child--shameful! shameful!
but the world
is so censorious no character
escapes. Lord, now! who would have
suspected
your friend, Miss Prim, of an indiscretion Yet
such is the
ill-nature of people, that they
say her unkle stopped her last week
just as
she was stepping into a Postchaise with her
Dancing-master.
MARIA. I'll answer for't
there are no grounds for the Report.
MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, no foundation in the world
I dare swear[;]
no more probably than for the
story circulated last month,
of Mrs. Festino's
affair with Colonel Cassino--tho' to be sure
that matter was never rightly clear'd up.
SURFACE. The license of invention some people
take is monstrous
indeed.
MARIA.
'Tis so but in my opinion, those who report such
things
are equally culpable.
MRS.
CANDOUR. To be sure they are[;] Tale Bearers are
as bad as
the Tale makers--'tis an old
observation and a very true one--but
what's to
be done as I said before--how will you prevent
People from
talking--to-day, Mrs. Clackitt
assured me, Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon
were at
last become mere man and wife--like [the rest of
their]
acquaintance--she likewise hinted that
a certain widow in the next
street had got rid
of her Dropsy and recovered her shape in a most
surprising manner--at the same [time] Miss
Tattle, who was by
affirm'd, that Lord Boffalo
had discover'd his Lady at a house of
no
extraordinary Fame--and that Sir Harry Bouquet and
Tom Saunter
were to measure swords on a
similar Provocation. but--Lord! do you
think
I would report these Things--No, no[!] Tale
Bearers as I said
before are just as bad as
the talemakers.
SURFACE. Ah! Mrs.
Candour, if everybody had your Forbearance and
good nature--
MRS. CANDOUR. I
confess Mr. Surface I cannot bear to hear People
traduced behind their Backs[;] and when ugly
circumstances come out
against our
acquaintances I own I always love to think the
best--by
the bye I hope 'tis not true that
your Brother is absolutely ruin'd--
SURFACE. I am afraid his circumstances are
very bad indeed, Ma'am--
MRS. CANDOUR.
Ah! I heard so--but you must tell him to keep up
his Spirits--everybody almost is in the same
way--Lord Spindle,
Sir Thomas Splint, Captain
Quinze, and Mr. Nickit--all up, I hear,
within
this week; so, if Charles is undone, He'll find
half his
Acquaintance ruin'd too, and that,
you know, is a consolation--
SURFACE.
Doubtless, Ma'am--a very great one.
Enter SERVANT
SERVANT.
Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite.
LADY SNEERWELL. Soh! Maria, you see your
lover pursues you--
Positively you shan't
escape.
Enter CRABTREE and SIR
BENJAMIN BACKBITE
CRABTREE. Lady
Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. Mrs. Candour I don't
believe you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir
Benjamin Backbite--
Egad, Ma'am, He has a
pretty wit--and is a pretty Poet too isn't He
Lady Sneerwell?
The School For
Scandal
by Richard Brinsley Sheridan
ACT I
SCENE I.--LADY SNEERWELL'S
House
LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing
table with LAPPET;
MISS VERJUICE drinking
chocolate
LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs
you say were all inserted:
VERJUICE.
They were Madam--and as I copied them myself in a
feigned
Hand there can be no suspicion whence
they came.
LADY SNEERWELL. Did you
circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's
Intrigue with Captain Boastall?
VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is
the Talk of half the
Town--and I doubt not in
a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.
LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the
insinuation as to
a certain Baronet's Lady and
a certain Cook.
VERJUICE. That is in as
fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish.
I
told the story yesterday to my own maid with
directions to
communicate it directly to my
Hairdresser. He I am informed
has a Brother
who courts a Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall
whose mistress has a first cousin whose sister
is Feme [Femme]
de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit--so
that in the common course of Things
it must
reach Mrs. Clackit's Ears within four-and-twenty
hours
and then you know the Business is as
good as done.
LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly
Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent--
a
great deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably
successful
in her way--To my knowledge she has
been the cause of breaking off
six matches[,]
of three sons being disinherited and four
Daughters
being turned out of Doors. Of three
several Elopements, as many
close confinements
--nine separate maintenances and two Divorces.--
nay I have more than once traced her causing a
Tete-a-Tete in the
Town and Country Magazine--
when the Parties perhaps had never seen
each
other's Faces before in the course of their Lives.
VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.
LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is
gross.
VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She
generally designs well[,] has
a free tongue
and a bold invention--but her colouring is too
dark
and her outline often extravagant--She
wants that delicacy of
Tint--and mellowness of
sneer--which distinguish your Ladyship's
Scandal.
LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are
Partial Verjuice.
VERJUICE. Not in the
least--everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell
can do more with a word or a Look than many
can with the most
laboured Detail even when
they happen to have a little truth
on their
side to support it.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes
my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny
the satisfaction I reap from the Success of my
Efforts. Wounded
myself, in the early part of
my Life by the envenomed Tongue of
Slander I
confess I have since known no Pleasure equal to
the
reducing others to the Level of my own
injured Reputation.
VERJUICE. Nothing
can be more natural--But my dear Lady Sneerwell
There is one affair in which you have lately
employed me, wherein,
I confess I am at a Loss
to guess your motives.
LADY SNEERWELL. I
conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour,
Sir Peter Teazle, and his Family--Lappet.--And
has my conduct
in this matter really appeared
to you so mysterious?
[Exit MAID.]
VERJUICE. Entirely so.
LADY
SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE.?] An old Batchelor as Sir
Peter was[,]
having taken a young wife from
out of the Country--as Lady Teazle
is--are
certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous
raillery--
but here are two young men--to whom
Sir Peter has acted as a kind
of Guardian
since their Father's death, the eldest possessing
the most amiable Character and universally
well spoken of[,]
the youngest the most
dissipated and extravagant young Fellow
in the
Kingdom, without Friends or caracter--the former
one
an avowed admirer of yours and apparently
your Favourite[,]
the latter attached to Maria
Sir Peter's ward--and confessedly
beloved by
her. Now on the face of these circumstances it is
utterly unaccountable to me why you a
young Widow with no great
jointure--should not
close with the passion of a man of such
character and expectations as Mr. Surface--and
more so why you
should be so uncommonly
earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment
subsisting between his Brother Charles and
Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to
unravel this mistery--I must
inform you that
Love has no share whatever in the intercourse
between Mr. Surface and me.
VERJUICE.
No!
LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment
is to Maria or her Fortune--
but finding in
his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged
to mask his Pretensions--and profit by my
Assistance.
VERJUICE. Yet still I am
more puzzled why you should interest
yourself
in his success.
LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens!
how dull you are! cannot you surmise
the
weakness which I hitherto, thro' shame have
concealed even
from you--must I confess that
Charles--that Libertine, that
extravagant,
that Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation--that He
it is for whom I am thus anxious and malicious
and to gain whom
I would sacrifice--
everything----
VERJUICE. Now indeed--
your conduct appears consistent and I
no
longer wonder at your enmity to Maria, but how
came you and
Surface so confidential?
LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interest--but
I have found out
him a long time since[,]
altho' He has contrived to deceive
everybody
beside--I know him to be artful selfish and
malicious--
while with Sir Peter, and indeed
with all his acquaintance,
He passes for a
youthful Miracle of Prudence--good sense
and
Benevolence.
VERJUICE. Yes yes--I know
Sir Peter vows He has not his equal
in
England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN
OF SENTIMENT.
LADY SNEERWELL. True and
with the assistance of his sentiments
and
hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his
interests
with respect to Maria and is now I
believe attempting to flatter
Lady Teazle into
the same good opinion towards him--while poor
Charles has no Friend in the House--
though I fear he has a powerful
one in Maria's
Heart, against whom we must direct our schemes.
SERVANT. Mr. Surface.
LADY
SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about
this Time.
I don't wonder at People's giving
him to me for a Lover.
Enter SURFACE
SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do
you do to-day--your most
obedient.
LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been
arraigning me on our
mutual attachment now;
but I have informed her of our real views
and
the Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-
operate.
You know how useful she has been to
us--and believe me the confidence
is not ill-
placed.
SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible
for me to suspect that a Lady of
Miss
Verjuice's sensibility and discernment----
LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--no compliments
now--but tell me when
you saw your mistress or
what is more material to me your Brother.
SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw
you--but I can inform
you that they are at
present at Variance--some of your stories have
taken good effect on Maria.
LADY
SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this
belongs
to you. But do your Brother's
Distresses encrease?
SURFACE. Every
hour. I am told He had another execution in his
house yesterday--in short his Dissipation and
extravagance exceed
anything I have ever heard
of.
LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles!
SURFACE. True Madam--notwithstanding his
Vices one can't help
feeling for him--ah poor
Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in
my Power
to be of any essential Service to him--for the man
who does not share in the Distresses of a
Brother--even though
merited by his own
misconduct--deserves----
LADY
SNEERWELL. O Lud you are going to be moral, and
forget
that you are among Friends.
SURFACE. Egad, that's true--I'll keep that
sentiment till I see
Sir Peter. However it is
certainly a charity to rescue Maria from
such
a Libertine who--if He is to be reclaim'd, can be
so only by a
Person of your Ladyship's
superior accomplishments and understanding.
VERJUICE. 'Twould be a Hazardous experiment.
SURFACE. But--Madam--let me caution you
to place no more confidence
in our Friend
Snake the Libeller--I have lately detected him
in frequent conference with old Rowland
[Rowley] who was formerly
my Father's Steward
and has never been a friend of mine.
LADY
SNEERWELL. I'm not disappointed in Snake, I never
suspected
the fellow to have virtue enough to
be faithful even to his own
Villany.
Enter MARIA
Maria my dear--how do you do
--what's the matter?
MARIA. O here is
that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin
Backbite, has just call'd at my guardian's
with his odious
Uncle Crabtree--so I slipt out
and ran hither to avoid them.
LADY
SNEERWELL. Is that all?
VERJUICE. Lady
Sneerwell--I'll go and write the Letter I
mention'd
to you.
SURFACE. If my
Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam,
perhaps you would not have been so much
alarmed.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay now--you
are severe for I dare swear the Truth
of the
matter is Maria heard YOU were here--but my dear--
what has
Sir Benjamin done that you should
avoid him so----
MARIA. Oh He has done
nothing--but his conversation is a perpetual
Libel on all his Acquaintance.
SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is
no advantage in not
knowing Them, for He'll
abuse a stranger just as soon as his best
Friend--and Crabtree is as bad.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay but we should make
allowance[--]Sir Benjamin
is a wit and a poet.
MARIA. For my Part--I own madam--wit
loses its respect with me,
when I see it in
company with malice.--What do you think,
Mr.
Surface?
SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to
smile at the jest which plants
a Thorn on
another's Breast is to become a principal in the
mischief.
LADY SNEERWELL. Pshaw--there's
no possibility of being witty
without a little
[ill] nature--the malice of a good thing
is
the Barb that makes it stick.--What's your
opinion, Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. Certainly
madam--that conversation where the Spirit of
Raillery is suppressed will ever appear
tedious and insipid--
MARIA. Well I'll
not debate how far Scandal may be allowable--
but in a man I am sure it is always
contemtable.--We have Pride,
envy, Rivalship,
and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other--
but the male-slanderer must have the cowardice
of a woman before
He can traduce one.
LADY SNEERWELL. I wish my Cousin Verjuice
hadn't left us--she
should embrace you.
SURFACE. Ah! she's an old maid and is
privileged of course.
Enter SERVANT
Madam Mrs. Candour is below and if your
Ladyship's at leisure will
leave her carriage.
LADY SNEERWELL. Beg her to walk in.
Now, Maria[,] however here is
a Character to
your Taste, for tho' Mrs. Candour is a little
talkative everybody allows her to be the best-
natured and best sort
of woman.
MARIA. Yes with a very gross affectation of
good Nature and
Benevolence--she does more
mischief than the Direct malice of
old
Crabtree.
SURFACE. Efaith 'tis
very true Lady Sneerwell--Whenever I hear
the
current running again the characters of my
Friends, I never
think them in such Danger as
when Candour undertakes their Defence.
LADY SNEERWELL. Hush here she is----
Enter MRS. CANDOUR
MRS. CANDOUR.
My dear Lady Sneerwell how have you been this
Century.
I have never seen you tho' I have
heard of you very often.--
Mr. Surface--the
World says scandalous things of you--but indeed
it is no matter what the world says, for I
think one hears nothing
else but scandal.
SURFACE. Just so, indeed, Ma'am.
MRS. CANDOUR. Ah Maria Child--what[!] is the
whole affair off
between you and Charles? His
extravagance; I presume--The Town
talks of
nothing else----
MARIA. I am very sorry,
Ma'am, the Town has so little to do.
MRS.
CANDOUR. True, true, Child; but there's no
stopping people's
Tongues. I own I was hurt
to hear it--as I indeed was to learn
from the
same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter[,] and
Lady
Teazle have not agreed lately so well as
could be wish'd.
MARIA. 'Tis strangely
impertinent for people to busy themselves so.
MRS. CANDOUR. Very true, Child; but what's to
be done? People will
talk--there's no
preventing it.--why it was but yesterday I was
told
that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir
Filagree Flirt. But, Lord!
there is no
minding what one hears; tho' to be sure I had this
from
very good authority.
MARIA.
Such reports are highly scandalous.
MRS.
CANDOUR. So they are Child--shameful! shameful!
but the world
is so censorious no character
escapes. Lord, now! who would have
suspected
your friend, Miss Prim, of an indiscretion Yet
such is the
ill-nature of people, that they
say her unkle stopped her last week
just as
she was stepping into a Postchaise with her
Dancing-master.
MARIA. I'll answer for't
there are no grounds for the Report.
MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, no foundation in the world
I dare swear[;]
no more probably than for the
story circulated last month,
of Mrs. Festino's
affair with Colonel Cassino--tho' to be sure
that matter was never rightly clear'd up.
SURFACE. The license of invention some people
take is monstrous
indeed.
MARIA.
'Tis so but in my opinion, those who report such
things
are equally culpable.
MRS.
CANDOUR. To be sure they are[;] Tale Bearers are
as bad as
the Tale makers--'tis an old
observation and a very true one--but
what's to
be done as I said before--how will you prevent
People from
talking--to-day, Mrs. Clackitt
assured me, Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon
were at
last become mere man and wife--like [the rest of
their]
acquaintance--she likewise hinted that
a certain widow in the next
street had got rid
of her Dropsy and recovered her shape in a most
surprising manner--at the same [time] Miss
Tattle, who was by
affirm'd, that Lord Boffalo
had discover'd his Lady at a house of
no
extraordinary Fame--and that Sir Harry Bouquet and
Tom Saunter
were to measure swords on a
similar Provocation. but--Lord! do you
think
I would report these Things--No, no[!] Tale
Bearers as I said
before are just as bad as
the talemakers.
SURFACE. Ah! Mrs.
Candour, if everybody had your Forbearance and
good nature--
MRS. CANDOUR. I
confess Mr. Surface I cannot bear to hear People
traduced behind their Backs[;] and when ugly
circumstances come out
against our
acquaintances I own I always love to think the
best--by
the bye I hope 'tis not true that
your Brother is absolutely ruin'd--
SURFACE. I am afraid his circumstances are
very bad indeed, Ma'am--
MRS. CANDOUR.
Ah! I heard so--but you must tell him to keep up
his Spirits--everybody almost is in the same
way--Lord Spindle,
Sir Thomas Splint, Captain
Quinze, and Mr. Nickit--all up, I hear,
within
this week; so, if Charles is undone, He'll find
half his
Acquaintance ruin'd too, and that,
you know, is a consolation--
SURFACE.
Doubtless, Ma'am--a very great one.
Enter SERVANT
SERVANT.
Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite.
LADY SNEERWELL. Soh! Maria, you see your
lover pursues you--
Positively you shan't
escape.
Enter CRABTREE and SIR
BENJAMIN BACKBITE
CRABTREE. Lady
Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. Mrs. Candour I don't
believe you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir
Benjamin Backbite--
Egad, Ma'am, He has a
pretty wit--and is a pretty Poet too isn't He
Lady Sneerwell?