初中幽默故事
成人资讯-解除劳动合同通知书
幽默故事集锦
He Won
Tommy: How is your little
brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He is ill in bed. He
hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did
that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean
furthest out of the window, and
he won.
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his
mother asked,
happened?
mother.
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two
cents.
the money I gave you yesterday?
more. But why are you so interested in the
old woman?
Drunk
One
day, a father and his little son were going home.
At this age,
the boy was interested in all
kinds of things and was always asking
questions. Now, he asked,
dad?
two
policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four
then I am
drunk.
Hospitality
The hostess
apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an
apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy
of the family left the
room quietly for a
moment and returned with a piece of cheese
which he laid on the guest's plate. The
visitor smiled, put the
cheese into his mouth
and then said:
than your mother, sonny. Where
did you find the cheese?
rat-trap, sir,
◆
I was accompanying my husband on a
business trip. He carried his
portable
computer with him, and the guard at the airport
gate asked
him to open the case. It was
locked, and the man waited patiently
as my
embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the
combination . At last he succeeded.
'Why
are you so nervous?' I asked him.
'The
numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my
usband
confessed.
◆
Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I
forgot to shake the bottle.
◆
One
evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping
mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty
the outside of his car was
and cleaned it up a
I finally entered the house, I called
out.'The
woman who loves you the most in the world just
cleaned
your headlights and windshield.'
My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
Mary was so disgusted at her husband's
cigarette smoking that
she complained to him
one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette
factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't
worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire
sooner or
later.' He said with a smile.
◆
Little Robert
asked his mother for two cents.
the money I
gave you yesterday?
more. But why are
you so interested in the old woman?
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school
teacher, was informed by one of her
pupils
that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside
the classroom.
encouraged her .
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour
and I was dashing to a train in New York City's
Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate,
a plump,
middle-aged woman sprinted up from
behind, lost her footing on
the smooth marble
floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum
carried her close to my shoes. Before I could
help her, however,
she had scrambled up.
Gaining her composure, she winked at me
and
said,
feet?
◆
Q: What's the difference between
a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have
fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
◆
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A:
By treading on his corn?
◆
Q: Which
is the strongest creature in the world?
A:
The snail. It carries its house on its back.
◆
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
◆
Q:
How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his
sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
He is really somebody
-- My uncle
has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really
somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance
man in a cemetery.
◆
Not long
after an old Chinese woman came back to China from
her visit to her daughter in the States, she
went to a city bank to
deposit the US dollars
her daughter gave her. At the bank counter,
the clerk checked each note carefully to see
if the money was real.
It made the old lady
out of patience.
◆
At last she could
not hold any more, uttering.
trust the money.
They are real US dollars. They are directly from
America.
my little dog can't read
Mrs.
Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little
dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an
advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's
no use, my little dog can't read.
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this
lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir.
It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring
me the winner then.
The mean man's
party.
The notorious cheap skate finally
decided to have a party.
Explaining to a
friend how to find his apartment, he said,
to
5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the
door open,
push with your foot.
are you?
Advice for
A
bit of advice for those about to retire. If you
are only 65, never
move to a retirement
community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s,
or 90s. So when something has to be moved,
lifted or loaded, they
yell,
Which
woman?
One evening I drove my husband's
car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I
noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was
and cleaned it up a I finally entered the
house, I called
out.
your headlights and
windshield.
My husband looked up and said,
The
doctor lives downstairs
to say frankly
what's wrong with me.
He surveyed her from
head to foot.
by nearly fifty pounds.
Second, your beauty could be improved if
you
used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick.
And third, I'm
an artist---the doctor lives
downstairs.
One Engine Left
A 747
was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain
got on
the loud speaker,
engines, but we
can certainly reach London with the three we have
left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour
late as a r esult.
Shortly thereafter, the
passengers heard the captain's voice
again,
be assured we can fly with only one. We will
now arrive in London
three hours late.
At
this point, one passenger became furious.
he
shouted,
Logic Reasoning
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her
pupils a lesson on logic.
boat in the
middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance,
falls in,
and begins splashing and yelling for
help. His wife hears the
commotion, knows that
he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why
do you think she ran to the bank?
A girl
raised her hand and asked,
savings?
Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two
birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow.
Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the
answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and
the sparrow is
beside the swallow.
◆
This story is told of a
browbeating counsel，who habitually
endeavored
to terrorize his opponent„s witnesses．
One
witness rather tended to preface his replies with
lengthy
explanations．
“I
want„yes‟or„no，‟”thundered counsel．“There is no
need for you to
argue the point！”
“But
there are some questions which cannot be answered
by„yes‟or„no，‟”mildly responded the witness．
“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．
“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have
you ceased
beating your wife？”
幽默故事集锦
He Won
Tommy: How is your
little brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He is ill in
bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad.
How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who
could lean furthest out of the window, and
he
won.
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his
mother asked,
happened?
mother.
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two
cents.
the money I gave you yesterday?
more. But why are you so interested in the
old woman?
Drunk
One
day, a father and his little son were going home.
At this age,
the boy was interested in all
kinds of things and was always asking
questions. Now, he asked,
dad?
two
policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four
then I am
drunk.
Hospitality
The hostess
apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an
apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy
of the family left the
room quietly for a
moment and returned with a piece of cheese
which he laid on the guest's plate. The
visitor smiled, put the
cheese into his mouth
and then said:
than your mother, sonny. Where
did you find the cheese?
rat-trap, sir,
◆
I was accompanying my husband on a
business trip. He carried his
portable
computer with him, and the guard at the airport
gate asked
him to open the case. It was
locked, and the man waited patiently
as my
embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the
combination . At last he succeeded.
'Why
are you so nervous?' I asked him.
'The
numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my
usband
confessed.
◆
Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I
forgot to shake the bottle.
◆
One
evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping
mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty
the outside of his car was
and cleaned it up a
I finally entered the house, I called
out.'The
woman who loves you the most in the world just
cleaned
your headlights and windshield.'
My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
Mary was so disgusted at her husband's
cigarette smoking that
she complained to him
one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette
factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't
worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire
sooner or
later.' He said with a smile.
◆
Little Robert
asked his mother for two cents.
the money I
gave you yesterday?
more. But why are
you so interested in the old woman?
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school
teacher, was informed by one of her
pupils
that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside
the classroom.
encouraged her .
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour
and I was dashing to a train in New York City's
Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate,
a plump,
middle-aged woman sprinted up from
behind, lost her footing on
the smooth marble
floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum
carried her close to my shoes. Before I could
help her, however,
she had scrambled up.
Gaining her composure, she winked at me
and
said,
feet?
◆
Q: What's the difference between
a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have
fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
◆
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A:
By treading on his corn?
◆
Q: Which
is the strongest creature in the world?
A:
The snail. It carries its house on its back.
◆
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
◆
Q:
How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his
sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
He is really somebody
-- My uncle
has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really
somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance
man in a cemetery.
◆
Not long
after an old Chinese woman came back to China from
her visit to her daughter in the States, she
went to a city bank to
deposit the US dollars
her daughter gave her. At the bank counter,
the clerk checked each note carefully to see
if the money was real.
It made the old lady
out of patience.
◆
At last she could
not hold any more, uttering.
trust the money.
They are real US dollars. They are directly from
America.
my little dog can't read
Mrs.
Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little
dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an
advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's
no use, my little dog can't read.
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this
lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir.
It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring
me the winner then.
The mean man's
party.
The notorious cheap skate finally
decided to have a party.
Explaining to a
friend how to find his apartment, he said,
to
5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the
door open,
push with your foot.
are you?
Advice for
A
bit of advice for those about to retire. If you
are only 65, never
move to a retirement
community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s,
or 90s. So when something has to be moved,
lifted or loaded, they
yell,
Which
woman?
One evening I drove my husband's
car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I
noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was
and cleaned it up a I finally entered the
house, I called
out.
your headlights and
windshield.
My husband looked up and said,
The
doctor lives downstairs
to say frankly
what's wrong with me.
He surveyed her from
head to foot.
by nearly fifty pounds.
Second, your beauty could be improved if
you
used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick.
And third, I'm
an artist---the doctor lives
downstairs.
One Engine Left
A 747
was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain
got on
the loud speaker,
engines, but we
can certainly reach London with the three we have
left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour
late as a r esult.
Shortly thereafter, the
passengers heard the captain's voice
again,
be assured we can fly with only one. We will
now arrive in London
three hours late.
At
this point, one passenger became furious.
he
shouted,
Logic Reasoning
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her
pupils a lesson on logic.
boat in the
middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance,
falls in,
and begins splashing and yelling for
help. His wife hears the
commotion, knows that
he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why
do you think she ran to the bank?
A girl
raised her hand and asked,
savings?
Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two
birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow.
Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the
answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and
the sparrow is
beside the swallow.
◆
This story is told of a
browbeating counsel，who habitually
endeavored
to terrorize his opponent„s witnesses．
One
witness rather tended to preface his replies with
lengthy
explanations．
“I
want„yes‟or„no，‟”thundered counsel．“There is no
need for you to
argue the point！”
“But
there are some questions which cannot be answered
by„yes‟or„no，‟”mildly responded the witness．
“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．
“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have
you ceased
beating your wife？”