福建专科学校排名-开学第一课手抄报小学

Unit 10 Satire in Literature
The Immortal Bard
Isaac Asimov
“Oh, yes,” said Dr. Phineas Welch, “I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious
dead.”
He was a little drunk, or maybe he wouldn‟t have said it. Of course, it was
perfectly all right to get a little drunk at the annual Christmas party.
Scott Robertson, the school‟s young English instructor, adjusted his glasses and
looked to right and left to see if they were overheard.
“Really, Dr. Welch.”
“I mean it. And not just the spirits. I bring back the bodies, too.”
“I wouldn‟t have said it were possible,” said Robertson primly.
“Why not? A simple matter of temporal transference.”
“You mean time travel? But that‟s quite—uh—unusual.”
“Not if you know how.”
“Well, how, Dr. Welch?”
“Think I‟m going to tell you?” asked the physicist gravely. He looked vaguely about
for another drink and didn‟t find any. He said, “I brought quite a few back. Archimedes,
Newton, Galileo. Poor fellows.”
“Didn‟t they like it here? I should think they‟d have been fascinated by our modern
science,” said Robertson. He was beginning to enjoy the conversation.
“Oh, they were. They were. Especially Archimedes. I thought he‟d go mad with joy at first
after I explained a little of it in some Greek I‟d boned up on, but no—no—”
“What was wrong?”
“Just a different culture. They couldn‟t get used to our way of life. They got terribly
lonely and frightened. I had to send them back.”
“That‟s too bad.”
“Yes. Great minds, but not flexible minds. Not universal. So I tried Shakespeare.”
“What?” yelled Robertson.

This was getting closer to home.
“Don‟t yell, my boy,” said Welch. “It‟s bad manners.”
“Did you say you brought back Shakespeare?”
“I did. I needed someone with a universal mind; someone who knew people well
enough to be able to live with them centuries away from his own time. Shakespeare was
the man. I‟ve got his signature. As a memento, you know.”
“On you?” asked Robertson, eyes bugging.

“Right here.” Welch fumbled in one vest pocket after another. “Ah, here it is.”
A little piece of pasteboard was passed to the instructor. On one side it said: “L.
Klein & Sons, Wholesale Hardware.” On the other side, in straggly script, was written,
“Willm Shakesper.”
A wild surmise filled Robertson. “What did he look like?”
“Not like his pictures. Bald and an ugly mustache. He spoke in a thick brogue. Of
course, I did my best to please him with our times.

I told him we thought highly of his
plays and still put them on the boards. In fact, I said we thought they were the greatest
pieces of literature in the English language, maybe in any language.”
“Good. Good,” said Robertson breathlessly.
“I said people had written volumes of commentaries on his plays. Naturally he
wanted to see one and I got one for him from the library.”
“And?”
“Oh, he was fascinated. Of course, he had trouble with the current idioms and
references to events since 1600, but I helped out. Poor fellow. I don‟t think he ever
expected such treatment. He kept saying, „God ha‟ mercy!
What cannot be racked from words in five centuries?

One could wring, methinks, a flood from a damp clout!”
“He wouldn‟t say that.”
“Why not? He wrote his plays as quickly as he could. He said he had to on account
of the deadlines. He wrote Hamlet in less than six months. The plot was an old one. He
just polished it up.”


“That‟s all they do to a telescope mirror. Just polish it up,” said the English
instructor indignantly.
The physicist disregarded him. He made out an untouched cocktail on the bar
some feet away and sidled toward it. “I told the immortal bard that we even gave college
courses in Shakespeare.”
“I give one.”
“I know. I enrolled him in your evening extension course. I never saw a man so
eager to find out what posterity thought of him as poor Bill was. He worked hard at it.”
“You enrolled William Shakespeare in my course?” mumbled Robertson. Even as
an alcoholic fantasy, the thought staggered him. And was it an alcoholic fantasy? He was
beginning to recall a bald man with a queer way of talking...
“Not under his real name, of course,” said Dr. Welch. “Never mind what he went
under. It was a mistake, that‟s all. A big mistake. Poor fellow.” He had the cocktail now

and shook his head at it.
“Why was it a mistake? What happened?”
“I had to send him back to 1600,” roared Welch indignantly. “How much
humiliation do you think a man can stand?”
“What humiliation are you talking about?”
Dr. Welch tossed off the cocktail.

“Why, you poor simpleton, you flunked him.”

不朽的诗人
1 “哦，对了，”菲尼亚斯韦尔奇博士说，“我可以使那些故去的名人还魂。”
2 他有点醉了，不然他不会这样胡说。当然，一年一度的圣诞聚会，喝得有点醉也是
无可厚非的。
3 斯科特罗伯逊，某学校年轻的英文讲师，整整眼镜，环顾左右，看看是否有人无意
间听 到他们之间的谈话。
4 “当真啊，韦尔奇博士。”
5 “我是当真的。还不只是灵魂，我还能使他们的肉体复生。”
6 “我觉得这不可能，”罗伯逊一本正经地说。
7 “为什么不可能？这只不过是简单的时间转移。”
8 “你是说时空旅行？那真是太——呃——离奇了。”
9 “会者不难嘛。”
10 “那怎么做呢，韦尔奇博士？”
11 “你以为我会告诉你吗？”物理学家严肃地说。他心不在焉地 环顾四周，想再找酒
喝，但没有找到。他说：“我已经让好几个人回来过了：阿基米德，牛顿，伽利略。 这帮可
怜的家伙。”
12 “他们不喜欢这里吗？我还以为他们会对这儿的现代科学着迷呢 ，”罗伯逊说。他已
经开始喜欢他们之间的谈话了。
13 “哦，是的，他们是着迷了，尤 其是阿基米德。我特意温习了一下希腊文，给他解
释一点现代科学，我以为他听了会高兴得发狂，可是没 有„„没有„„”
14 “出什么岔子啦？”
15 “就是文化差异，他们不习惯我们 的生活方式，他们感到非常孤独，还怕得要死。
我只好把他们送回去了。”
16 “真糟糕”。
17 “是啊。伟大的智者，但头脑不灵活，不能随遇而安。所以我试了试莎士比亚。”
18 “
什么
？”罗伯逊喊起来。这下真的触动他了。
19 “别喊，老兄，”韦尔奇说。“多不雅啊。”
20 “你说你把莎士比亚弄回来了？”

21 “没错。我需要一个随遇而安的智者。一个了解人世，能与相隔几个世纪的人共 同
生活的人。莎士比亚正是那样的人。我有他的签名。作为一个纪念，你知道。”
22 “你带着吗？”罗伯逊问，眼睛瞪得老大。
23 “就在这里。” 韦尔奇把马甲口袋一个个摸过来。“啊，在这儿。”
24 他将一个小小的硬纸片递给这位讲师。一 面上写着：“L.克莱因父子五金批发公司。”
另一面上字迹潦草地写着：“Willm Shakesper。”
25 罗伯逊满腹狐疑。“他看上去怎么样？”
26 “跟图 片上的不一样，秃头，长着难看的八字须。说话满口土腔。当然，我竭力使
他喜欢我们的时代。我告诉他 我们都很欣赏他的戏剧，而且还在上演。我跟他说事实上我们
认为他的戏剧是英国文学中，也许是全世界 ，最伟大的文学作品。”
27 “说得好！说得好！”罗伯逊呼吸急促地说。
28 “ 我告诉他人们为他的戏剧写的评论一本又一本，数不胜数。他自然想看一本，所
以我就从图书馆弄了一本 给他。”
29 “然后呢？”
30 “哦，他着迷了。当然，他不懂那些现代用语，也 不知道1600年以来发生的事情，
不过我帮他解决了。可怜的家伙。我想他是想不到会受到这种待遇的 。他不断地说：‘啊，
我的上帝！在五个世纪的时间里还有什么不能从文字里榨出来呢？吾以为，人们都 能从一块
湿布中拧出洪水来了。’”
31 “他不会那样说的。”
32 “为 什么不会？他写剧本时写得非常快。他说因为交稿期限的缘故，他不得不这样。
他花了不到6个月时间完 成了《哈姆雷特》的写作。情节是老的，他只是润色加工，使其
亮丽些。”
33 “那是人们对望远镜镜片干的活，擦一擦让它亮丽些，”这位英文讲师愤慨地说。
34 物理学家没 有理他的碴。他看到几英尺远的吧台上有一杯没有喝过的鸡尾酒，侧着
身慢慢走过去。“我告诉这位不朽 的诗人我们大学里还开莎士比亚课呢。”
35 “
我
就开了一门。”
36 “我知道。我帮他在你上的夜校课注了册。我从来没有看到像可怜的比尔那样如此
急于 知道后人是怎么看他的。他学得很认真。”
37 “你让威廉莎士比亚上我的课？”罗伯逊咕哝道。 即使这只是酒精作用下的一种幻
觉，这种想法还是令他吃惊。再说，这是酒精作用下的幻觉吗？他开始回 忆起一个秃头的人，
说话怪怪的„„
38 “当然，没有用他的真名，” 韦尔奇博士说。 “他用什么名字没有关系。这是一个
错误，仅此而已。一个巨大的错误。可怜的家伙。”他现在已经拿到 鸡尾酒了，对着酒摇摇
头。
39 “为什么是个错误？出了什么事？”

40 “我不得不将他送回到1600年，” 韦尔奇愤怒地吼道。“你认为一个人能够忍受多
大程度的羞辱？”
41 “你说的羞辱指什么？”
42 韦尔奇博士将鸡尾酒一饮而尽。“哎呀，你这可怜的傻瓜。你给了他一个不及格。”

Running for Governor
A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great State of New York, to
run against Stewart L. Woodford and John T. Hoffman, on an independent ticket. I
somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage over these gentlemen, and that was,
good character. It was easy to see by the newspapers, that if ever they had known what it
was to bear a good name, that time had gone by. It was plain that in these latter years
they had become familiar with all manner of shameful crimes. But at the very moment
that I was exalting my advantage and joying in it in secret, there was a muddy
undercurrent of discomfort
to hear my name bandied about in familiar connection with those of such people. I grew
more and more disturbed. Finally I wrote my grandmother about it. Her answer came
quick and sharp. She said:
You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed of -- not one.
Look at the newspapers -- look at them and comprehend what sort of characters
Woodford and Hoffman are, and then see if you are willing to lower yourself to their level
and enter a public canvass with them.
It was my very thought! I did not sleep a single moment that night. But after all, I
could not recede. I was fully committed and must go on with the fight. As I was looking
listlessly over the papers at breakfast, I came across this paragraph, and I may truly say I
never was so confounded before:
PERJURY. -- Perhaps, now that Mr. Mark Twain is before the people as a candidate
for Governor, he will condescend to explain how he came to be convicted of perjury by
thirty-four witnesses, in Wakawak, Cochin China, in 1863, the intent of which perjury was
to rob a poor native widow and her helpless family of a meagre plantain patch, their only
stay and support in their bereavement and their desolation. Mr. Twain owes it to himself,
as well as to the great people whose suffrages he asks, to clear this matter up. Will he do
it?

I thought I should burst with amazement! Such a cruel, heartless charge -- I never
had seen Cochin China! I never had beard of Wakawak! I didn't know a plantain patch
from a kangaroo! I did not know what to do. I was crazed and helpless. I let the day slip
away without doing anything at all. The next morning the same paper had this -- nothing
more:
SIGNIFICANT. -- Mr. Twain, it will be observed, is suggestively silent about the
Cochin China perjury.
[Mem. -- During the rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in any
other way than as
Next came the
WANTED TO KNOW. -- Will the new candidate for Governor deign to explain to
certain of his fellow-citizens (who are suffering to vote for him!) the little circumstance of
his cabin- mates in Montana losing small valuables from time to time, until at last, these
things having been invariably found on Mr. Twain's person or in his
he rolled his traps in), they felt compelled to give him a friendly admonition for his own
good, and so tarred and feathered him and rode him on a rail, and then advised him to
leave a permanent vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the camp. Will he do this?
Could anything be more deliberately malicious than that? For I never was in
Montana in my life.
[After this, this journal customarily spoke of me as
I got to picking up papers apprehensively -- much as one would lift a desired blanket
which he had some idea might have a rattlesnake under it. One day this met my eye:
THE LIE NAILED! -- By the sworn affidavits of Michael O'Flanagan, Esq., of the
Five Points, and Mr. Kit Burns and Mr. John Allen, of Water street, it is established that
Mr. Mark Twain's vile statement that the lamented grandfather of our noble
standard-bearer, John T. Hoffman, was hanged for highway robbery, is a brutal and
gratuitous LIE, without a single shadow of foundation in fact. It is disheartening to
virtuous men to see such shameful means resorted to to achieve political success as the
attacking of the dead in their graves and defiling their honored names with slander.
When we think of the anguish this miserable falsehood must cause the innocent relatives

and friends of the deceased, we are almost driven to incite an outraged and insulted
public to summary and unlawful vengeance upon the traducer. But no -- let us leave him
to the agony of a lacerating conscience -- (though if passion should get the better of the
public and in its blind fury they should do the traducer bodily injury, it is but too obvious
that no jury could convict and no court punish the perpetrators of the deed).
The ingenious closing sentence had the effect of moving me out of bed with despatch
that night, and out at the back door, also, while the
in the front way, breaking furniture and windows in their righteous indignation as they
came, and taking off such property as they could carry when they went. And yet I can lay
my hand upon the Book and say that I never slandered Governor Hoffman's grandfather.
More -- I had never even heard of him or mentioned him, up to that day and date.
[I will state, in passing, that the journal above quoted from always referred to me
afterward as
The next newspaper article that attracted my attention was the following:
A SWEET CANDIDATE. -- Mark Twain, who was to make such a blighting speech at
the mass meeting of the Independents last night, didn't come to time! A telegram from
his physician stated that he had been knocked down by a runaway team and his leg
broken in two places -- sufferer lying in great agony, and so forth, and so forth, and a lot
more bosh of the same sort. And the Independents tried hard to swallow the wretched
subterfuge and pretend that they did not know what was the real reason of the absence of
the abandoned creature whom they denominate their standard-bearer. A certain man was
seen to reel into Mr. Twain's hotel last night in state of beastly intoxication. It is the
imperative duty of the Independents to prove that this besotted brute was not Mark
Twain himself: We have them at last! This is a case that admits of no shirking. The voice
of the people demands in thunder-tones:
It was incredible, absolutely incredible, for a moment, that it was really my name
that was coupled with this disgraceful suspicion. Three long years had passed over my
head since I had tasted ale, beer, wine, or liquor of any kind.
[It shows what effect the times were having on me when I say that I saw myself
confidently dubbed Delirium Tremens Twainin the next issue of that journal

without a pang -- notwithstanding I knew that with monotonous fidelity the paper would
go on calling me so to the very end.]
By this time anonymous letters were getting to be an important part of my mail
matter. This form was common:
How about that old woman you kiked of your premisers which was beging.
POL PRY.
And this:
There is things which you have done which is unbeknowens to anybody but me. You
better trot out a few dols. to yours truly or you'll hear thro' the papers from
HANDY ANDY.
That is about the idea. I could continue them till the reader was surfeited, if
desirable.
Shortly the principal Republican journal of wholesale bribery, and
the leading Democratic paper
[In this way I acquired two additional names:

By this time there had grown to be such a clamor for an
charges that were laid to me, that the editors and leaders of my party said it would be
political ruin for me to remain silent any longer. As if to make their appeal the more
imperative, the following appeared in one of the papers the very next day:
BEHOLD THE MAN! -- The Independent candidate still maintains Silence. Because
he dare not speak. Every accusation against him has been amply proved, and they have
been endorsed and re-endorsed by his own eloquent silence till at this day he stands
forever convicted. Look upon your candidate, Independents! Look upon the Infamous
Perjurer! the Montana Thief! the Body-Snatcher! Contemplate your incarnate Delirium
Tremens! your Filthy Corruptionist! your Loath some Embracer! Gaze upon him --
ponder him well -- and then say if you can give your honest votes to a creature who has
earned this dismal array of titles by his hideous crimes, and dares not open his mouth in
denial of any one of them!

There was no possible way of getting out of it, and so, in deep humiliation, I set
about preparing to
But I never finished the task, for the very next morning a paper came out with a new
horror, a fresh malignity, and seriously charged me with burning a lunatic asylum with all
its inmates because it obstructed the view from my house. This threw me into a sort of
panic. Then came the charge of poisoning my uncle to get his property, with an
imperative demand that the grave should be opened. This drove me to the verge of
distraction. On top of this I was accused of employing toothless and incompetent old
relatives to prepare the food for the foundling hospital when I was warden. I was
wavering -- wavering. And at last, as a due and fitting climax to the shameless
persecution that party rancor had inflicted upon me, nine little toddling children of all
shades of color and degrees of raggedness were taught to rush on to the platform at a
public meeting and clasp me around the legs and call me PA!
I gave up. I hauled down my colors and surrendered. I was not equal to the
requirements of a Gubernatorial campaign in the State of New York, and so I sent in my
withdrawal from the candidacy, and in bitterness of spirit signed it,




竞选州长
1几个月前我被提名作为独立党候选人，竞选伟大的纽约州州长，我的竞争对手是斯 图尔
特·L．伍德福德和约翰·T．霍夫曼。跟这些先生们比起来，我有一个重要的优势，那就是我的人品好。但就在我庆幸自己这一优势的时刻，有一股令人不安的浊流在“扰乱”我内心深处
的幸福 ，那就是：我不得不听到自己的名字与这类人的名字相提并论。
2当我一边吃早饭一边没精打采地浏览 报纸时，我看到了这么一段，我从没有这样惊讶过：
伪证罪——既然-5克·吐温先生现在要竞选州长， 也许他应该向大家解释清楚在1863年他在
交趾支那的瓦卡瓦克被34个证人指证犯了伪证罪一事。作 伪证的企图是要掠夺一小块大蕉
地，该地属于当地一位可怜的寡妇，而且是她家唯一的生计。马克·吐温 先生应该澄清此亨。
他会吗?
3我感到莫名其妙，这是从何谈起呀!如此残忍、无情的指控。 我从未去过交趾支那!我甚至
不知道大蕉地和袋鼠有何不同!我不知道该怎么办。我让这一天不知不觉地 过去了，什么事
都没做。第二天早上还是这份报纸刊登了下面一句话——就这么一句话：值得注意——吐 温

先生就交趾支那伪证罪保持沉默，令人怀疑。【注：在整个竞选过程中这份报纸称我为 “臭名
昭著的作伪证者吐温”。】
4接着((报纸》登了以下一则新闻：想知道——新的州长 候选人能否向本州居民解释一下这
件事情：在蒙大拿州时跟他住在一起的人时不时丢失一些小的贵重物品 。这些物品后来发现
已为吐温先生所拥有。于是人们让他离开营地。他愿对此作解释吗?
5我一生中从未到过蒙大拿州。【此后，这份报纸就一直称我为“吐温，蒙大拿小偷”。】
6 我巳变得一拿起报纸就胆战心惊——就像一个人知道毯子下面可能会有响尾蛇，但还是很
想掀开它一样。 一天，我看到下面一则新闻：谎言戳穿!——五点地区尊敬的迈克尔·欧·弗拉
纳根律师、水街的基特· 彭斯先生和约翰·艾伦先生的誓词，戳穿了马克·吐温先生的可耻谎言，
谎言称我们尊贵的候选人约翰· T．霍夫曼的祖父因拦路抢劫而被绞死。说谎者真是人面兽心，
用这么卑鄙的手段求得政治上的成功，这 实在令人心寒。这种卑劣的谎言给死者无辜的亲友
所遣成的痛苦应该激起公众的愤怒，受到侮辱的公众应 该对说谎者进行报复。但是不要这样
——我们要让他经受内疚的折磨。
7我敢发誓我从来没有 诽谤过约翰·T．霍夫曼的祖父。【此后，登载上述消息的报纸一直称
我为“吐温，鞭尸者”。】 8下一篇引起我注意的报刊文章这样写道：“温文而雅”的候选人——原计划昨晚在独立党群
众大会 上作诽谤性演讲的马克·吐温，结果没有到场!有电报说他被马撞倒，腿部两处骨折，
他因此痛苦地躺在 床上，等等。独立党人竭力假装不知道自己的候选人缺席的真实原因。昨
晚有人看到一个醉鬼跌跌撞撞走 进吐温先生入住的酒店。独立党人应该来证明这个醉鬼不是
马克·吐温。人们高声问道：“那人是谁?”
9简直不可思议：居然把我的名字与这一不光彩的嫌疑联系在一起。我已有三年没沾过一滴
麦芽 酒、啤酒、葡萄酒或烈性酒。【在那份报纸的下一期，我看到自己被称作“震颤性谵妄患
者吐温先生”。 】
10不久，共和党的主要刊物“判处”我犯有贿赂罪，民主党的主要报纸又把一桩讹诈案归罪
于我。
11到了这时候要我对那些可怕的指控做出回答的呼声已经沸沸扬扬了，以至于我们党的领< br>袖人物说，如果我继续保持沉默，我在政治上就毁了。就在第二天，其中一份报纸上又出现
了下面 的报道：
看这个人!——独立党候选人继续保持沉默。对他的每一项指控都得到了证实，同时他自己的
沉默也证明指控属实。独立党的成员们，看看你们的候选人吧!臭名昭著的作伪证者!蒙大拿
小 偷!鞭尸者!考虑考虑你们这位肮脏的腐败分子!——考虑一下——然后再说你们是否会将自
己诚实的选 票投给这么一个人，一个以其可怕的罪行赢得了众多头衔又不敢否认的人!
12(我)已经不能置身局 外，保持沉默了。我着手准备对这些毫无根据的指控以及卑鄙邪恶的
谎言作出“回答”。第二天早上又一 份报纸指控我放火烧了一所精神病院，连同所有住在里面
的病人，就因为这医院挡住了我房前的风景。然 后又指控我为了财产而毒死了自己的叔叔。

然后，作为这一系列无耻的陷害最适时、最恰 当的高潮，他们怂恿九个肤色不同、衣衫褴褛
的小孩向我跑过来，抱住我的腿，叫我爸爸。
1 3我放弃了。我不够竞选纽约州州长的条件，因此我痛苦地寄出了撤消候选人资格的信，
并签名如下：“ 你忠诚的，
“曾经是体面的人，但现在是
“马克·吐温，臭名昭著的作伪证者，蒙大拿小偷 ，鞭尸者，震颤性谵妄患者，肮脏的腐败分
子，私生子的爸爸”

人与动物
1 一天，一只聪明的狐狸开始觉得奇怪：“为什么人类被看成是天地万物之尊?人类到底哪里
比动物优越?人与动物都有情感、激情，有各自的优点、缺点。那么为什么人类就比我们优
秀呢?我得去 找狮子王，向他请教。”这么想着，狐狸赶紧去了狮子家。狮子说：“多日不见，
见到你很高兴!告诉我 你来有何贵干?”狐狸谦恭地说：“哦，狮王!人类的权利已经至高无上了，
还声称要主宰天地万物!我 不能忍受人类这种傲慢，他们自以为比所有的动物都高贵，这也
使我无法忍受。我们哪里不如他们?我们 就不能让人们承认我们的优越性吗?我们得采取行
动。”狮子点点头说：“说得对，亲爱的，那我们该怎 么办?”狮子和狐狸商量了很久，最后决
定将森林里所有的动物召集起来开会。他们将仔细讨论，人类与 动物相比各有哪些优点和缺
点。狮子然后对狐狸说：“你去准备这次会议。把所有的动物都请来，大大小 小无一例外。
但是，谁来主持大会呢?”狐狸答道：“我们的森林里有一位圣人，已经修行了很久。他是 人
类和动物的共同朋友，他不会有任何偏心或成见。为什么不请他来当会议主席呢?”“就这么
办吧，”狮子说。
2狐狸用了一个星期的时间完成了整个计划。森林里一大片空地被清理干净，用来开 会。在
约定的那一天，动物开始向会议地点络绎而来。很快，所有的动物都在各自的位置上坐好了。圣人也按时到达，坐在了主持人的位置上。狮子和大象站在圣人的两边，狐狸站在与会者的
前面。
3作为大会秘书，狐狸向所有与会者表示欢迎：“欢迎大家，并感谢大家参加这次大会。”看
了 看大会议程，狐狸接着说：“有四个主要议题，要提请大家认真考虑。仔细考虑后，请大
家提出自己的意 见；因为这些问题关系到我们的尊严，至关重要。第一，人的出生与动物相
同，都来自母亲的子宫。那么 为什么动物被叫做„兽类‟，而人被叫做„人类‟?他们的称谓应该
与我们一样。第二，有一种荒诞的观 念，认为人类聪明，动物愚昧。我们不能接受这样的羞
辱，这种观念是毫无根据的。第三，人们声称有着 最值得庆幸的语言天赋，但是，既然人类
在滥用这种天赋，这又有什么值得自豪的?我们缺乏这种天赋吃 什么亏啦?尽管我们不会说
话，但我们依然能够获取食物，找到住处，养育孩子，幸福地生活。因此，人 们不能仅仅因
为自诩有这种难得的能力就被看成高我们一等。第四，最后，他们说我们残忍，而人类善良
并富有同情心。事实上，我们比人类更善良，更体贴。因此，我们必须驳斥这种没有依据的

说法。”
4读完这些议题后，狐狸回到自己的座位上坐了下来。狮子走上前去，抬起头，庄 严地说：
“我完全同意议程中提出的观点。我绝不能承认人类在任何方面优于我们。我们先来讨论勇气和力量的问题。人类有谁能够在勇气与力量上比得过我?尽管我是森林之王，唯我独尊，
但是我约 束自己不做不公平或腐败的事。我不杀害任何动物，除非我饿了。鉴于这样的情况，
人类又怎能认为自己 比我们优秀呢?”“决不能，决不能，”与会的动物们一致吼道。
5狮子然后回到了他在圣人边上的位 置。大象站了起来，大肆鼓吹自己的光辉业绩。“在体
型、身材和力量方面，我比人类强多了。站在我边 上，人只是一个侏儒。至于智力，大家都
认为我头脑敏捷。自古以来，在寺庙或皇宫里，每一个重要的庆 典上，我的出场就意味着吉
利。事实上，虔诚的人们怀着深深的敬意给我送水果和鲜花。人类怎么能说自 己高我们一等
呢?”全体与会者一致高呼：“不能，不能。”大象回到了圣人边上的位置。
6 接着狗站出来了，他先向大家致敬，然后大声说道：“我有很好的理由认为动物无可否认
地超越人类。比 如，在爱心、诚信、忠贞等方面，有任何人敢夸口说比狗强吗?就是因为这
些难得的品质，人类才豢养我 们，把我们当成他们的家庭成员来对待。但是，人类又怎么样
呢?他们竟然丝毫没有感恩之情。他们给我 们吃便宜的食物，或是他们吃剩的东西。人类对
待他所伺候的主人也是忘恩负义到了极点。(主持人)先 生，我确信，在这些品性方面我们动
物比人类强多了。”说完，狗也回到了自己的座位上。
7 现在轮到会议主持人就讨论的问题宣布决定了。圣人站起来说：“我亲爱的朋友们，狗所
说的都是对的。 人类经常说一套，做一套，这种言行不一在动物身上是找不到的。”所有的
动物高兴极了，长时间地鼓掌 。圣人接着说：“在食物、睡眠以及类似的生活习惯方面，人
类与动物之间毫无差别。但是，两者之间有 一个根本区别：动物不能自我改造，而人类能够
通过教育、交友和学习并超越他人来改造自己。动物甚至 无法改变自己的饮食习惯。”狐狸
立即站起来，问道：“哦，主持人，你所说的都对，但是你是否认为所 有人都自我改造吗?”
圣人说：“嗨，确实，那些不自我改造的人还不如动物。”所有的动物立即鼓掌， 为主持人喝
彩。圣人继续说：“人类还有一个优点，那就是有辨别能力。”狐狸说：“是的，他们是有辨
别能力，那有什么用?他们的恶劣行径甚至连动物都感到羞耻。哦，太遗憾了!人类为了糊口，
耗尽自己所有的时间、才华、力量和金钱，而我们动物无须劳动就能弄到食物。”圣人可以
看出狐狸在试 图突破原定的议题范围，在他们的天性方面大做文章。因此，他说：“哦，亲
爱的动物们!我必须告诉你 们另一个重要的区别：人类能够克服错误观念。他们能够实现自
我，达到不朽。事实上，这个词本身就表 示下列这些特性：
M——表示点化能力
A——表示对心灵的洞察力
N——表示无忧无虑的最高境界
通过克服错误观念，获得对心灵的洞察力，人类可以变成神。 你们为什么不接受并承认自己
的局限性呢?”动物们问他：“哦，智者!你是不是想说所有的人都能利用 这三种特性?”“不是，

不是所有人，”圣人答道。“那么那些不能通过克服错误观念、 达到最高境界、拥有心灵洞察
力的人，必须看成是我们的伙伴，”动物们异口同声、很有把握地说。“哦 ，亲爱的朋友们!”
圣人答道，“我到这片森林来的唯一目的就是成为你们的朋友，证明自己真正属于人 类。”

Unit 10 Satire in Literature
The Immortal Bard
Isaac Asimov
“Oh, yes,” said Dr. Phineas Welch, “I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious
dead.”
He was a little drunk, or maybe he wouldn‟t have said it. Of course, it was
perfectly all right to get a little drunk at the annual Christmas party.
Scott Robertson, the school‟s young English instructor, adjusted his glasses and
looked to right and left to see if they were overheard.
“Really, Dr. Welch.”
“I mean it. And not just the spirits. I bring back the bodies, too.”
“I wouldn‟t have said it were possible,” said Robertson primly.
“Why not? A simple matter of temporal transference.”
“You mean time travel? But that‟s quite—uh—unusual.”
“Not if you know how.”
“Well, how, Dr. Welch?”
“Think I‟m going to tell you?” asked the physicist gravely. He looked vaguely about
for another drink and didn‟t find any. He said, “I brought quite a few back. Archimedes,
Newton, Galileo. Poor fellows.”
“Didn‟t they like it here? I should think they‟d have been fascinated by our modern
science,” said Robertson. He was beginning to enjoy the conversation.
“Oh, they were. They were. Especially Archimedes. I thought he‟d go mad with joy at first
after I explained a little of it in some Greek I‟d boned up on, but no—no—”
“What was wrong?”
“Just a different culture. They couldn‟t get used to our way of life. They got terribly
lonely and frightened. I had to send them back.”
“That‟s too bad.”
“Yes. Great minds, but not flexible minds. Not universal. So I tried Shakespeare.”
“What?” yelled Robertson.

This was getting closer to home.
“Don‟t yell, my boy,” said Welch. “It‟s bad manners.”
“Did you say you brought back Shakespeare?”
“I did. I needed someone with a universal mind; someone who knew people well
enough to be able to live with them centuries away from his own time. Shakespeare was
the man. I‟ve got his signature. As a memento, you know.”
“On you?” asked Robertson, eyes bugging.

“Right here.” Welch fumbled in one vest pocket after another. “Ah, here it is.”
A little piece of pasteboard was passed to the instructor. On one side it said: “L.
Klein & Sons, Wholesale Hardware.” On the other side, in straggly script, was written,
“Willm Shakesper.”
A wild surmise filled Robertson. “What did he look like?”
“Not like his pictures. Bald and an ugly mustache. He spoke in a thick brogue. Of
course, I did my best to please him with our times.

I told him we thought highly of his
plays and still put them on the boards. In fact, I said we thought they were the greatest
pieces of literature in the English language, maybe in any language.”
“Good. Good,” said Robertson breathlessly.
“I said people had written volumes of commentaries on his plays. Naturally he
wanted to see one and I got one for him from the library.”
“And?”
“Oh, he was fascinated. Of course, he had trouble with the current idioms and
references to events since 1600, but I helped out. Poor fellow. I don‟t think he ever
expected such treatment. He kept saying, „God ha‟ mercy!
What cannot be racked from words in five centuries?

One could wring, methinks, a flood from a damp clout!”
“He wouldn‟t say that.”
“Why not? He wrote his plays as quickly as he could. He said he had to on account
of the deadlines. He wrote Hamlet in less than six months. The plot was an old one. He
just polished it up.”


“That‟s all they do to a telescope mirror. Just polish it up,” said the English
instructor indignantly.
The physicist disregarded him. He made out an untouched cocktail on the bar
some feet away and sidled toward it. “I told the immortal bard that we even gave college
courses in Shakespeare.”
“I give one.”
“I know. I enrolled him in your evening extension course. I never saw a man so
eager to find out what posterity thought of him as poor Bill was. He worked hard at it.”
“You enrolled William Shakespeare in my course?” mumbled Robertson. Even as
an alcoholic fantasy, the thought staggered him. And was it an alcoholic fantasy? He was
beginning to recall a bald man with a queer way of talking...
“Not under his real name, of course,” said Dr. Welch. “Never mind what he went
under. It was a mistake, that‟s all. A big mistake. Poor fellow.” He had the cocktail now

and shook his head at it.
“Why was it a mistake? What happened?”
“I had to send him back to 1600,” roared Welch indignantly. “How much
humiliation do you think a man can stand?”
“What humiliation are you talking about?”
Dr. Welch tossed off the cocktail.

“Why, you poor simpleton, you flunked him.”

不朽的诗人
1 “哦，对了，”菲尼亚斯韦尔奇博士说，“我可以使那些故去的名人还魂。”
2 他有点醉了，不然他不会这样胡说。当然，一年一度的圣诞聚会，喝得有点醉也是
无可厚非的。
3 斯科特罗伯逊，某学校年轻的英文讲师，整整眼镜，环顾左右，看看是否有人无意
间听 到他们之间的谈话。
4 “当真啊，韦尔奇博士。”
5 “我是当真的。还不只是灵魂，我还能使他们的肉体复生。”
6 “我觉得这不可能，”罗伯逊一本正经地说。
7 “为什么不可能？这只不过是简单的时间转移。”
8 “你是说时空旅行？那真是太——呃——离奇了。”
9 “会者不难嘛。”
10 “那怎么做呢，韦尔奇博士？”
11 “你以为我会告诉你吗？”物理学家严肃地说。他心不在焉地 环顾四周，想再找酒
喝，但没有找到。他说：“我已经让好几个人回来过了：阿基米德，牛顿，伽利略。 这帮可
怜的家伙。”
12 “他们不喜欢这里吗？我还以为他们会对这儿的现代科学着迷呢 ，”罗伯逊说。他已
经开始喜欢他们之间的谈话了。
13 “哦，是的，他们是着迷了，尤 其是阿基米德。我特意温习了一下希腊文，给他解
释一点现代科学，我以为他听了会高兴得发狂，可是没 有„„没有„„”
14 “出什么岔子啦？”
15 “就是文化差异，他们不习惯我们 的生活方式，他们感到非常孤独，还怕得要死。
我只好把他们送回去了。”
16 “真糟糕”。
17 “是啊。伟大的智者，但头脑不灵活，不能随遇而安。所以我试了试莎士比亚。”
18 “
什么
？”罗伯逊喊起来。这下真的触动他了。
19 “别喊，老兄，”韦尔奇说。“多不雅啊。”
20 “你说你把莎士比亚弄回来了？”

21 “没错。我需要一个随遇而安的智者。一个了解人世，能与相隔几个世纪的人共 同
生活的人。莎士比亚正是那样的人。我有他的签名。作为一个纪念，你知道。”
22 “你带着吗？”罗伯逊问，眼睛瞪得老大。
23 “就在这里。” 韦尔奇把马甲口袋一个个摸过来。“啊，在这儿。”
24 他将一个小小的硬纸片递给这位讲师。一 面上写着：“L.克莱因父子五金批发公司。”
另一面上字迹潦草地写着：“Willm Shakesper。”
25 罗伯逊满腹狐疑。“他看上去怎么样？”
26 “跟图 片上的不一样，秃头，长着难看的八字须。说话满口土腔。当然，我竭力使
他喜欢我们的时代。我告诉他 我们都很欣赏他的戏剧，而且还在上演。我跟他说事实上我们
认为他的戏剧是英国文学中，也许是全世界 ，最伟大的文学作品。”
27 “说得好！说得好！”罗伯逊呼吸急促地说。
28 “ 我告诉他人们为他的戏剧写的评论一本又一本，数不胜数。他自然想看一本，所
以我就从图书馆弄了一本 给他。”
29 “然后呢？”
30 “哦，他着迷了。当然，他不懂那些现代用语，也 不知道1600年以来发生的事情，
不过我帮他解决了。可怜的家伙。我想他是想不到会受到这种待遇的 。他不断地说：‘啊，
我的上帝！在五个世纪的时间里还有什么不能从文字里榨出来呢？吾以为，人们都 能从一块
湿布中拧出洪水来了。’”
31 “他不会那样说的。”
32 “为 什么不会？他写剧本时写得非常快。他说因为交稿期限的缘故，他不得不这样。
他花了不到6个月时间完 成了《哈姆雷特》的写作。情节是老的，他只是润色加工，使其
亮丽些。”
33 “那是人们对望远镜镜片干的活，擦一擦让它亮丽些，”这位英文讲师愤慨地说。
34 物理学家没 有理他的碴。他看到几英尺远的吧台上有一杯没有喝过的鸡尾酒，侧着
身慢慢走过去。“我告诉这位不朽 的诗人我们大学里还开莎士比亚课呢。”
35 “
我
就开了一门。”
36 “我知道。我帮他在你上的夜校课注了册。我从来没有看到像可怜的比尔那样如此
急于 知道后人是怎么看他的。他学得很认真。”
37 “你让威廉莎士比亚上我的课？”罗伯逊咕哝道。 即使这只是酒精作用下的一种幻
觉，这种想法还是令他吃惊。再说，这是酒精作用下的幻觉吗？他开始回 忆起一个秃头的人，
说话怪怪的„„
38 “当然，没有用他的真名，” 韦尔奇博士说。 “他用什么名字没有关系。这是一个
错误，仅此而已。一个巨大的错误。可怜的家伙。”他现在已经拿到 鸡尾酒了，对着酒摇摇
头。
39 “为什么是个错误？出了什么事？”

40 “我不得不将他送回到1600年，” 韦尔奇愤怒地吼道。“你认为一个人能够忍受多
大程度的羞辱？”
41 “你说的羞辱指什么？”
42 韦尔奇博士将鸡尾酒一饮而尽。“哎呀，你这可怜的傻瓜。你给了他一个不及格。”

Running for Governor
A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great State of New York, to
run against Stewart L. Woodford and John T. Hoffman, on an independent ticket. I
somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage over these gentlemen, and that was,
good character. It was easy to see by the newspapers, that if ever they had known what it
was to bear a good name, that time had gone by. It was plain that in these latter years
they had become familiar with all manner of shameful crimes. But at the very moment
that I was exalting my advantage and joying in it in secret, there was a muddy
undercurrent of discomfort
to hear my name bandied about in familiar connection with those of such people. I grew
more and more disturbed. Finally I wrote my grandmother about it. Her answer came
quick and sharp. She said:
You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed of -- not one.
Look at the newspapers -- look at them and comprehend what sort of characters
Woodford and Hoffman are, and then see if you are willing to lower yourself to their level
and enter a public canvass with them.
It was my very thought! I did not sleep a single moment that night. But after all, I
could not recede. I was fully committed and must go on with the fight. As I was looking
listlessly over the papers at breakfast, I came across this paragraph, and I may truly say I
never was so confounded before:
PERJURY. -- Perhaps, now that Mr. Mark Twain is before the people as a candidate
for Governor, he will condescend to explain how he came to be convicted of perjury by
thirty-four witnesses, in Wakawak, Cochin China, in 1863, the intent of which perjury was
to rob a poor native widow and her helpless family of a meagre plantain patch, their only
stay and support in their bereavement and their desolation. Mr. Twain owes it to himself,
as well as to the great people whose suffrages he asks, to clear this matter up. Will he do
it?

I thought I should burst with amazement! Such a cruel, heartless charge -- I never
had seen Cochin China! I never had beard of Wakawak! I didn't know a plantain patch
from a kangaroo! I did not know what to do. I was crazed and helpless. I let the day slip
away without doing anything at all. The next morning the same paper had this -- nothing
more:
SIGNIFICANT. -- Mr. Twain, it will be observed, is suggestively silent about the
Cochin China perjury.
[Mem. -- During the rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in any
other way than as
Next came the
WANTED TO KNOW. -- Will the new candidate for Governor deign to explain to
certain of his fellow-citizens (who are suffering to vote for him!) the little circumstance of
his cabin- mates in Montana losing small valuables from time to time, until at last, these
things having been invariably found on Mr. Twain's person or in his
he rolled his traps in), they felt compelled to give him a friendly admonition for his own
good, and so tarred and feathered him and rode him on a rail, and then advised him to
leave a permanent vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the camp. Will he do this?
Could anything be more deliberately malicious than that? For I never was in
Montana in my life.
[After this, this journal customarily spoke of me as
I got to picking up papers apprehensively -- much as one would lift a desired blanket
which he had some idea might have a rattlesnake under it. One day this met my eye:
THE LIE NAILED! -- By the sworn affidavits of Michael O'Flanagan, Esq., of the
Five Points, and Mr. Kit Burns and Mr. John Allen, of Water street, it is established that
Mr. Mark Twain's vile statement that the lamented grandfather of our noble
standard-bearer, John T. Hoffman, was hanged for highway robbery, is a brutal and
gratuitous LIE, without a single shadow of foundation in fact. It is disheartening to
virtuous men to see such shameful means resorted to to achieve political success as the
attacking of the dead in their graves and defiling their honored names with slander.
When we think of the anguish this miserable falsehood must cause the innocent relatives

and friends of the deceased, we are almost driven to incite an outraged and insulted
public to summary and unlawful vengeance upon the traducer. But no -- let us leave him
to the agony of a lacerating conscience -- (though if passion should get the better of the
public and in its blind fury they should do the traducer bodily injury, it is but too obvious
that no jury could convict and no court punish the perpetrators of the deed).
The ingenious closing sentence had the effect of moving me out of bed with despatch
that night, and out at the back door, also, while the
in the front way, breaking furniture and windows in their righteous indignation as they
came, and taking off such property as they could carry when they went. And yet I can lay
my hand upon the Book and say that I never slandered Governor Hoffman's grandfather.
More -- I had never even heard of him or mentioned him, up to that day and date.
[I will state, in passing, that the journal above quoted from always referred to me
afterward as
The next newspaper article that attracted my attention was the following:
A SWEET CANDIDATE. -- Mark Twain, who was to make such a blighting speech at
the mass meeting of the Independents last night, didn't come to time! A telegram from
his physician stated that he had been knocked down by a runaway team and his leg
broken in two places -- sufferer lying in great agony, and so forth, and so forth, and a lot
more bosh of the same sort. And the Independents tried hard to swallow the wretched
subterfuge and pretend that they did not know what was the real reason of the absence of
the abandoned creature whom they denominate their standard-bearer. A certain man was
seen to reel into Mr. Twain's hotel last night in state of beastly intoxication. It is the
imperative duty of the Independents to prove that this besotted brute was not Mark
Twain himself: We have them at last! This is a case that admits of no shirking. The voice
of the people demands in thunder-tones:
It was incredible, absolutely incredible, for a moment, that it was really my name
that was coupled with this disgraceful suspicion. Three long years had passed over my
head since I had tasted ale, beer, wine, or liquor of any kind.
[It shows what effect the times were having on me when I say that I saw myself
confidently dubbed Delirium Tremens Twainin the next issue of that journal

without a pang -- notwithstanding I knew that with monotonous fidelity the paper would
go on calling me so to the very end.]
By this time anonymous letters were getting to be an important part of my mail
matter. This form was common:
How about that old woman you kiked of your premisers which was beging.
POL PRY.
And this:
There is things which you have done which is unbeknowens to anybody but me. You
better trot out a few dols. to yours truly or you'll hear thro' the papers from
HANDY ANDY.
That is about the idea. I could continue them till the reader was surfeited, if
desirable.
Shortly the principal Republican journal of wholesale bribery, and
the leading Democratic paper
[In this way I acquired two additional names:

By this time there had grown to be such a clamor for an
charges that were laid to me, that the editors and leaders of my party said it would be
political ruin for me to remain silent any longer. As if to make their appeal the more
imperative, the following appeared in one of the papers the very next day:
BEHOLD THE MAN! -- The Independent candidate still maintains Silence. Because
he dare not speak. Every accusation against him has been amply proved, and they have
been endorsed and re-endorsed by his own eloquent silence till at this day he stands
forever convicted. Look upon your candidate, Independents! Look upon the Infamous
Perjurer! the Montana Thief! the Body-Snatcher! Contemplate your incarnate Delirium
Tremens! your Filthy Corruptionist! your Loath some Embracer! Gaze upon him --
ponder him well -- and then say if you can give your honest votes to a creature who has
earned this dismal array of titles by his hideous crimes, and dares not open his mouth in
denial of any one of them!

There was no possible way of getting out of it, and so, in deep humiliation, I set
about preparing to
But I never finished the task, for the very next morning a paper came out with a new
horror, a fresh malignity, and seriously charged me with burning a lunatic asylum with all
its inmates because it obstructed the view from my house. This threw me into a sort of
panic. Then came the charge of poisoning my uncle to get his property, with an
imperative demand that the grave should be opened. This drove me to the verge of
distraction. On top of this I was accused of employing toothless and incompetent old
relatives to prepare the food for the foundling hospital when I was warden. I was
wavering -- wavering. And at last, as a due and fitting climax to the shameless
persecution that party rancor had inflicted upon me, nine little toddling children of all
shades of color and degrees of raggedness were taught to rush on to the platform at a
public meeting and clasp me around the legs and call me PA!
I gave up. I hauled down my colors and surrendered. I was not equal to the
requirements of a Gubernatorial campaign in the State of New York, and so I sent in my
withdrawal from the candidacy, and in bitterness of spirit signed it,




竞选州长
1几个月前我被提名作为独立党候选人，竞选伟大的纽约州州长，我的竞争对手是斯 图尔
特·L．伍德福德和约翰·T．霍夫曼。跟这些先生们比起来，我有一个重要的优势，那就是我的人品好。但就在我庆幸自己这一优势的时刻，有一股令人不安的浊流在“扰乱”我内心深处
的幸福 ，那就是：我不得不听到自己的名字与这类人的名字相提并论。
2当我一边吃早饭一边没精打采地浏览 报纸时，我看到了这么一段，我从没有这样惊讶过：
伪证罪——既然-5克·吐温先生现在要竞选州长， 也许他应该向大家解释清楚在1863年他在
交趾支那的瓦卡瓦克被34个证人指证犯了伪证罪一事。作 伪证的企图是要掠夺一小块大蕉
地，该地属于当地一位可怜的寡妇，而且是她家唯一的生计。马克·吐温 先生应该澄清此亨。
他会吗?
3我感到莫名其妙，这是从何谈起呀!如此残忍、无情的指控。 我从未去过交趾支那!我甚至
不知道大蕉地和袋鼠有何不同!我不知道该怎么办。我让这一天不知不觉地 过去了，什么事
都没做。第二天早上还是这份报纸刊登了下面一句话——就这么一句话：值得注意——吐 温

先生就交趾支那伪证罪保持沉默，令人怀疑。【注：在整个竞选过程中这份报纸称我为 “臭名
昭著的作伪证者吐温”。】
4接着((报纸》登了以下一则新闻：想知道——新的州长 候选人能否向本州居民解释一下这
件事情：在蒙大拿州时跟他住在一起的人时不时丢失一些小的贵重物品 。这些物品后来发现
已为吐温先生所拥有。于是人们让他离开营地。他愿对此作解释吗?
5我一生中从未到过蒙大拿州。【此后，这份报纸就一直称我为“吐温，蒙大拿小偷”。】
6 我巳变得一拿起报纸就胆战心惊——就像一个人知道毯子下面可能会有响尾蛇，但还是很
想掀开它一样。 一天，我看到下面一则新闻：谎言戳穿!——五点地区尊敬的迈克尔·欧·弗拉
纳根律师、水街的基特· 彭斯先生和约翰·艾伦先生的誓词，戳穿了马克·吐温先生的可耻谎言，
谎言称我们尊贵的候选人约翰· T．霍夫曼的祖父因拦路抢劫而被绞死。说谎者真是人面兽心，
用这么卑鄙的手段求得政治上的成功，这 实在令人心寒。这种卑劣的谎言给死者无辜的亲友
所遣成的痛苦应该激起公众的愤怒，受到侮辱的公众应 该对说谎者进行报复。但是不要这样
——我们要让他经受内疚的折磨。
7我敢发誓我从来没有 诽谤过约翰·T．霍夫曼的祖父。【此后，登载上述消息的报纸一直称
我为“吐温，鞭尸者”。】 8下一篇引起我注意的报刊文章这样写道：“温文而雅”的候选人——原计划昨晚在独立党群
众大会 上作诽谤性演讲的马克·吐温，结果没有到场!有电报说他被马撞倒，腿部两处骨折，
他因此痛苦地躺在 床上，等等。独立党人竭力假装不知道自己的候选人缺席的真实原因。昨
晚有人看到一个醉鬼跌跌撞撞走 进吐温先生入住的酒店。独立党人应该来证明这个醉鬼不是
马克·吐温。人们高声问道：“那人是谁?”
9简直不可思议：居然把我的名字与这一不光彩的嫌疑联系在一起。我已有三年没沾过一滴
麦芽 酒、啤酒、葡萄酒或烈性酒。【在那份报纸的下一期，我看到自己被称作“震颤性谵妄患
者吐温先生”。 】
10不久，共和党的主要刊物“判处”我犯有贿赂罪，民主党的主要报纸又把一桩讹诈案归罪
于我。
11到了这时候要我对那些可怕的指控做出回答的呼声已经沸沸扬扬了，以至于我们党的领< br>袖人物说，如果我继续保持沉默，我在政治上就毁了。就在第二天，其中一份报纸上又出现
了下面 的报道：
看这个人!——独立党候选人继续保持沉默。对他的每一项指控都得到了证实，同时他自己的
沉默也证明指控属实。独立党的成员们，看看你们的候选人吧!臭名昭著的作伪证者!蒙大拿
小 偷!鞭尸者!考虑考虑你们这位肮脏的腐败分子!——考虑一下——然后再说你们是否会将自
己诚实的选 票投给这么一个人，一个以其可怕的罪行赢得了众多头衔又不敢否认的人!
12(我)已经不能置身局 外，保持沉默了。我着手准备对这些毫无根据的指控以及卑鄙邪恶的
谎言作出“回答”。第二天早上又一 份报纸指控我放火烧了一所精神病院，连同所有住在里面
的病人，就因为这医院挡住了我房前的风景。然 后又指控我为了财产而毒死了自己的叔叔。

然后，作为这一系列无耻的陷害最适时、最恰 当的高潮，他们怂恿九个肤色不同、衣衫褴褛
的小孩向我跑过来，抱住我的腿，叫我爸爸。
1 3我放弃了。我不够竞选纽约州州长的条件，因此我痛苦地寄出了撤消候选人资格的信，
并签名如下：“ 你忠诚的，
“曾经是体面的人，但现在是
“马克·吐温，臭名昭著的作伪证者，蒙大拿小偷 ，鞭尸者，震颤性谵妄患者，肮脏的腐败分
子，私生子的爸爸”

人与动物
1 一天，一只聪明的狐狸开始觉得奇怪：“为什么人类被看成是天地万物之尊?人类到底哪里
比动物优越?人与动物都有情感、激情，有各自的优点、缺点。那么为什么人类就比我们优
秀呢?我得去 找狮子王，向他请教。”这么想着，狐狸赶紧去了狮子家。狮子说：“多日不见，
见到你很高兴!告诉我 你来有何贵干?”狐狸谦恭地说：“哦，狮王!人类的权利已经至高无上了，
还声称要主宰天地万物!我 不能忍受人类这种傲慢，他们自以为比所有的动物都高贵，这也
使我无法忍受。我们哪里不如他们?我们 就不能让人们承认我们的优越性吗?我们得采取行
动。”狮子点点头说：“说得对，亲爱的，那我们该怎 么办?”狮子和狐狸商量了很久，最后决
定将森林里所有的动物召集起来开会。他们将仔细讨论，人类与 动物相比各有哪些优点和缺
点。狮子然后对狐狸说：“你去准备这次会议。把所有的动物都请来，大大小 小无一例外。
但是，谁来主持大会呢?”狐狸答道：“我们的森林里有一位圣人，已经修行了很久。他是 人
类和动物的共同朋友，他不会有任何偏心或成见。为什么不请他来当会议主席呢?”“就这么
办吧，”狮子说。
2狐狸用了一个星期的时间完成了整个计划。森林里一大片空地被清理干净，用来开 会。在
约定的那一天，动物开始向会议地点络绎而来。很快，所有的动物都在各自的位置上坐好了。圣人也按时到达，坐在了主持人的位置上。狮子和大象站在圣人的两边，狐狸站在与会者的
前面。
3作为大会秘书，狐狸向所有与会者表示欢迎：“欢迎大家，并感谢大家参加这次大会。”看
了 看大会议程，狐狸接着说：“有四个主要议题，要提请大家认真考虑。仔细考虑后，请大
家提出自己的意 见；因为这些问题关系到我们的尊严，至关重要。第一，人的出生与动物相
同，都来自母亲的子宫。那么 为什么动物被叫做„兽类‟，而人被叫做„人类‟?他们的称谓应该
与我们一样。第二，有一种荒诞的观 念，认为人类聪明，动物愚昧。我们不能接受这样的羞
辱，这种观念是毫无根据的。第三，人们声称有着 最值得庆幸的语言天赋，但是，既然人类
在滥用这种天赋，这又有什么值得自豪的?我们缺乏这种天赋吃 什么亏啦?尽管我们不会说
话，但我们依然能够获取食物，找到住处，养育孩子，幸福地生活。因此，人 们不能仅仅因
为自诩有这种难得的能力就被看成高我们一等。第四，最后，他们说我们残忍，而人类善良
并富有同情心。事实上，我们比人类更善良，更体贴。因此，我们必须驳斥这种没有依据的

说法。”
4读完这些议题后，狐狸回到自己的座位上坐了下来。狮子走上前去，抬起头，庄 严地说：
“我完全同意议程中提出的观点。我绝不能承认人类在任何方面优于我们。我们先来讨论勇气和力量的问题。人类有谁能够在勇气与力量上比得过我?尽管我是森林之王，唯我独尊，
但是我约 束自己不做不公平或腐败的事。我不杀害任何动物，除非我饿了。鉴于这样的情况，
人类又怎能认为自己 比我们优秀呢?”“决不能，决不能，”与会的动物们一致吼道。
5狮子然后回到了他在圣人边上的位 置。大象站了起来，大肆鼓吹自己的光辉业绩。“在体
型、身材和力量方面，我比人类强多了。站在我边 上，人只是一个侏儒。至于智力，大家都
认为我头脑敏捷。自古以来，在寺庙或皇宫里，每一个重要的庆 典上，我的出场就意味着吉
利。事实上，虔诚的人们怀着深深的敬意给我送水果和鲜花。人类怎么能说自 己高我们一等
呢?”全体与会者一致高呼：“不能，不能。”大象回到了圣人边上的位置。
6 接着狗站出来了，他先向大家致敬，然后大声说道：“我有很好的理由认为动物无可否认
地超越人类。比 如，在爱心、诚信、忠贞等方面，有任何人敢夸口说比狗强吗?就是因为这
些难得的品质，人类才豢养我 们，把我们当成他们的家庭成员来对待。但是，人类又怎么样
呢?他们竟然丝毫没有感恩之情。他们给我 们吃便宜的食物，或是他们吃剩的东西。人类对
待他所伺候的主人也是忘恩负义到了极点。(主持人)先 生，我确信，在这些品性方面我们动
物比人类强多了。”说完，狗也回到了自己的座位上。
7 现在轮到会议主持人就讨论的问题宣布决定了。圣人站起来说：“我亲爱的朋友们，狗所
说的都是对的。 人类经常说一套，做一套，这种言行不一在动物身上是找不到的。”所有的
动物高兴极了，长时间地鼓掌 。圣人接着说：“在食物、睡眠以及类似的生活习惯方面，人
类与动物之间毫无差别。但是，两者之间有 一个根本区别：动物不能自我改造，而人类能够
通过教育、交友和学习并超越他人来改造自己。动物甚至 无法改变自己的饮食习惯。”狐狸
立即站起来，问道：“哦，主持人，你所说的都对，但是你是否认为所 有人都自我改造吗?”
圣人说：“嗨，确实，那些不自我改造的人还不如动物。”所有的动物立即鼓掌， 为主持人喝
彩。圣人继续说：“人类还有一个优点，那就是有辨别能力。”狐狸说：“是的，他们是有辨
别能力，那有什么用?他们的恶劣行径甚至连动物都感到羞耻。哦，太遗憾了!人类为了糊口，
耗尽自己所有的时间、才华、力量和金钱，而我们动物无须劳动就能弄到食物。”圣人可以
看出狐狸在试 图突破原定的议题范围，在他们的天性方面大做文章。因此，他说：“哦，亲
爱的动物们!我必须告诉你 们另一个重要的区别：人类能够克服错误观念。他们能够实现自
我，达到不朽。事实上，这个词本身就表 示下列这些特性：
M——表示点化能力
A——表示对心灵的洞察力
N——表示无忧无虑的最高境界
通过克服错误观念，获得对心灵的洞察力，人类可以变成神。 你们为什么不接受并承认自己
的局限性呢?”动物们问他：“哦，智者!你是不是想说所有的人都能利用 这三种特性?”“不是，

不是所有人，”圣人答道。“那么那些不能通过克服错误观念、 达到最高境界、拥有心灵洞察
力的人，必须看成是我们的伙伴，”动物们异口同声、很有把握地说。“哦 ，亲爱的朋友们!”
圣人答道，“我到这片森林来的唯一目的就是成为你们的朋友，证明自己真正属于人 类。”