【雅思写作真题】剑桥8 Test4小作文实例批改丨附考官范文
艺术构思-超越自我演讲稿
作文题目：剑桥8 Test4小作文
The graph below
shows the quantities of goods transported in the
UK between
1974 and 2002 by four different
modes of ise the information by
selecting and
reporting the main features, and make comparisons
where relevant.
考生原文
The line diagram
which indicates the goods transported in UK
between (1974) and
(2002), according to
different ways of transport and the tonnes they
carried.
Among these lines, water and rail
both start with the similar value 40 million
tonnes
at 1974. After 4 years, the amounts of
goods that carried by ship had an increase.
However, the amounts that transported by
trains went down. Though water line
had a
decrease from 1982 to 1998, the overall value of
it always above the rail line.
The most obvious line which can find on the
top of chart is the quantity of goods
that
transported by road. It held the highest position
during 28 years(start at 78
tonnes and finish
at 98 tonnes). Turning to the bottom of the chart,
the black
straight line reveal the pipeline.
It is clear that the black line had two climbing
points, but it is still the minimum figure.
Overall, the chart demonstrates that the
technology is developing. Because all the
lines have a positive gradient or the final
value is greater than start value.
批改By 晟睿
葡萄
本次批改严格按照IELTS小作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：
TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR
(词
汇资源)。
文末会进行总评及打分。
用词不当 逻辑错误 语法错误
修改添加
Test 4
Theline diagram（线图的规范叫法为line
graph或者graph）which(本句结构正常，无
需插入which,
也难以构成定语从句)indicates the goodstransported in UK（in
the UK
或者in the UnitedKingdom） between (1974)
and
(2002)(年份和介词不能这样用括号
隔开，应把两个括号去掉，或者把词组改写为：from
1974 to2002,也可以是between the
time period of
1974 and 2002), according to different ways
oftransport and the
tonnes they carried.
Among these
lines（主体段描述图形特征时，应以内容来陈述，而非图形的叫法，可以改
为：Among
the fourtypes of transport）, water and rail both
start with the similar
value 40 million tonnes
at
1974（value指的是价值，此处使用不妥；年份前面的介词，
不是at。本句可改为：From
1974 to1978, water transported around 40 million
tonnes
goods per year, which wasalmost the
same as the quantity carried by rail.）. After 4
years, the amounts of goodsthat carried by
ship had an increase. However, the
amounts tha
t（后面的成分可以作为amounts的后置修饰语，所以这里不用添加that，
不必试图写从句，
否则变成了一个病句） transported by
trains（通过某种交通方式，by
后面的名词一般是单数形式，by
railway即可）went down. Though waterline had a
decrease from 1982 to 1998, the overall value
of it always above the rail line（above
不能作为动词表达
高于或者超过；从信息准确角度来说，是水运的货物量多于铁路货运量，
而非line图形的表象比较。
本句可改为：Despite a declinein the quantity of goods
carried from 1990 to 1998, water transported
moregoods than rail between 1978
and 2002.）.
The most obvious line which can find onthe top
of chart（定语从句用错，并且陈述方
式不符合描述特征的要求） is the
quantity of goods that（同上，that删去，避免语法
错误）
transported by road. （本句可改为：Road was the
mostimportant way of
transport throughout the
period. 后面写趋势和数据）It held the highestposition
during 28 years(startat 78 tonnes and finish
at 98 tonnes时态应该是过去，且单位漏
掉了数量级million). Turning
to the bottom of the
chart(同上，主体部分的陈述方式，
应用交通方式或者货物，而非图形), the black
straight line reveal（reveal主要表示揭露，
此处用词不当）the
pipeline. It is clearthat the black linehad two
climbing points,but it
is still
the minimum
figure.（同上，陈述方式错误）（最后两句对pipeline的描述，可
改为：It is
clear thatpipeline transported much less goods
than the other means.
After a 20-yearincrease,
the quantity of goods transported by pipeline
remained
stable ataround 23 million tonnes
from around 1995 to 2002.）
Overall, the
chart(同上，图形混淆) demonstrates that the technology is
e all the lines havea positive gradient or the
final value is greater
than start
value（主观推测，脱离题目要求；结尾应该以总结图形信息特征为目标）
总评分
5.0分（ TA5.5 CC5.0 GRA4.5 LR5.0）
1.信息的描写相对完整，有趋势描述，但是数据表达少，信息的比较上还有欠缺
2.句子和
句子之间有一些连词，但是从全文来看，语言的衔接上，还要提升，建议学习更多
方法，使文内衔接更为
自然和顺畅
3.语法错误较多，比如定语从句、动词时态，动词时态是考生常见错误，也是低级错误
4.词汇量不大，用词准确度欠缺
5.图形的混淆，line
graph和chart、diagram明显不同
考官范文
The graph
illustrates the quantitiesof goods transported in
the United Kingdom by
four different modes of
transportbetween the time period of 1974 and 2002.
Over
this span of 28 years, thequantities of
goods transported by road, water and
pipeline have all increasedwhile the quantity
transported by rail has remained
almost
constant at about 40million tonnes.
The
largest quantity of goodstransported both in 1974
and 2002 was by road(70
million tonnes and 98
milliontonnes respectively) while the lowest both
in 1974 and
2002 was bypipeline(about 5
million tonnes and 22 million tonnes
respectively).
The amountof goods transported
by water was constant from 1974 to 1978, where
it showedan exponential growth, rising to
almost 60 million tonnes after which
itplateaued for about 20 years before starting
to rise gradually again.
The amount of
goods transported byrail is almost constant at 40
million tonnes in
1974 and 2002, with
decreasesin quantity in between the years. It is
also interesting
to note that almostall showed
a decrease in 1994 in amount of goods transported
except for thepipeline, which actually peaked
in that year.
In conclusion, the road
remains themost popular method of transporting
goods in
the UK while water and pipelinesare
becoming increasingly used, have not become
more popular as a method oftransport.
（范文来源：剑桥8 考生高分范文）